Don't give a moron scissors!

This week I got a hair cut. Not just a normal hair cut, a haircut that look so bad that someone said that 'you look like you're wearing a Toupee'. A haircut that is so bad you think a chimpanzee with a butter knife could do better. I could have saved myself some money and just used a flowbee. I digress.....



So I walk into 'Crap Cuts' put my name on the list and sat down. There are two 'hair dressers'. One was, Lee Ching asian lock lacerator of Xinjiang and Candy Lane of the ugly pole dancers guild.


Both hairdressers were busy with patrons. So I had the pleasure of watching their handy work in progress. No to metion I could hear the conversations that were being had.


"I have 5 dogs. The cops say that is the best way to keep intruders away from the house." said Candy. Personally I think it was more her personality that actually kept people away. So she blathered on while the patron sitting in the chair was suffering through her inane conversation. Don't get me wrong. I am the KING of inane conversations, but seriously she was speaking as if she was giving a lecture on how to be completely random while thoroughly confusing your audience.


Lee Ching on the other hand has basic conversations with her patron as english is her second language. In fact, she was quiet most of the time and to be honest... is fine with me.

I was next in line for a hair cut awaiting my folical execution. I felt like I was watching a race. The race involved two broken down cows that should have been put to pasture. Ching and Candy were trying to cut hair fast and get to the next customer.

And much to my disappointment... Ching was loosing. Candy finished up and walked over and asked for the next person whose name was on the list.

"Jeeafff"
"Shit..." The crack whore got my name and I was hers to demolish next.

So she asks me how I am doing and all the niceties. Then she asks me how I would like my hair. I said "Short on the sides and longer on top. Use the trimmer at 3 and scissors on top." Apparently what I said was "Please make my head look like something out of a Dali's The Lugubrious Game painting."

Her conversation started benign enough.

"How are you?"

"Good, and you?"

"Oh about as good... LEE, I DON'T CLEAN UP AFTER EACH CUSTOMER. I JUST LEAVE IT FOR THE OTHER GIRL. Darlin, I am tired. I asked them to cut down my hours to 4 a day cause it is too busy! "

So she begins blathering on about how she does this or that or whatever.

"Where do you live?"

"Holbrook."

"Holbrook!!! Oh wow, I live in Holbrook." Shit....

"Where in Holbrook?" Double shit.... She knows the town.

So I though for a second... I don't want this dizzy ditz knowing where I live or what street I was on. Since I am a horrible liar I have to make my lies allign with the truth.

"I live on Pine street." Which parallels my street three streets down.

Anyway, this chick went on to give me the worst haircut of my life.... That was 2 months ago... I started this blog then.... and forgot to get back to it. The story would have been better, but I forgot most of it.

Peace out.

I got your auger right here

Since I have all the time in the world and an seemingly endless supply of energy, we decided to rebuild out deck. Wait, contain your excitement. I find it facinating that people droll on about their activities on the weekend. "Oh, I did sooo much this weekend. I washed my whites with a red sock and all was pink." It is those conversations I find myself having with my mother, but it is me who is carrying on about nothing. But I digress.

So this little tail begins where I decide that we're not going to dig the footings by hand. HELL NO, that would be hard work, BUT to rent an auger in my attempt to inflict as much discomfort on the situation as possible. Not just any auger. I am renting something akin to what they use on an oil rig in the ocean. While using the auger I expect a geyser of viscous black liquid to pour forth from the hole in the ground.

We only had to drill two holes, each 8 inches diameter and 42 inches deep. Simple enough. In my infinite wisdom I think a two man auger is the way to go.


Off I go to Home Depot to rent the tool that will help save time and energy. I arrive at nervana for home owners. I enter home depot and walk over to the sign that says Tool Rentals. So far so good, I found the bloody department. I walk up to the counter and state that I would like to rent a two man auger.

"One man or two man"

"Two".. which is what I said the first time oh master of listenting skills. The guy was nice so I didn't drop a heaping pile of sarcasm on him. That is something I normally reserve for family.

"Ok, what drill do you want to rent."

"I am looking to drill an hole for an 8 inch diameter, so the drill so be about 8 inches or bigger."

"Ok, we have 6,8 and 10 inch drills. 4 and 8 inch for the one person." This response confused me. I stared at him. My mind was locked up... I became a mindless zombie by a stupid question.


I just said I need an 8 inch diameter hole and he told me about 4 and 6 inch drills. What was I suppose to do with the smaller drills. Actually I would like the 6 inch drill because I would like to spend a freaking day drilling random holes in my yard. Then wen I am done, I will use the 4 inch 2 times to get my 8 inch diameter hole.
But maybe I just suffered a stroke and nothing but gutteral noises were being spewed out of my mouth so the man didn't understand what I was saying.

Standing there looking at him confused my mouth fell open and this time, nothing came out. This man was looking at the tools on the wall and just suggesting what he saw. I was expecting him to say: "Do you need a toilet snake? How bout a rug cleaner" Thank god my wife was there.

"We need 10 inch diameter drill." She said.

"Ok, Two man auger?" Again, what the hell have I been saying. Yes two I said.
"Um, Yeah."
"How much does it weigh?"
"The engine weighs 80 lbs. The drill about 50 and 10lbs for the drill extension."
For those playing at home that is 140 lbs... and I haven't even started drilling.

Ok, so the guy helps be bring the auger to the Jeep. We get everything situated in the back of the vehicle.

We get the vile contraption home. I decide I can lift everything awkwardly out of the back of the jeep.
I connect the drill, get the auger in an upright position... then fire her up! I look at my wife and ask if she is ready. She nods yes and I give it the gas. The drill went about 2 inches before getting stuck on a rock.


Now when the drill is spinning away and suddenly hits a rock interesting things happen. A two man auger allows the user to stand between the handles on both sides. The drill stops, but the engine begins to spin! People fly everywhere. Yes, there is a kill switch.... that means you actually let go of the handle and you are the person being thrown.

wawaawawa...wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, clink, thud.

The thud was my wife being thrown when the engine and the handles we were holding started to rotate fast horizontally. We put the drill down... removed the rock. Started the engine again and ....

Wawawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... CLINK, thud, "shit!"
and so the day went....

The amount of brusing my poor wife suffered was amazing. Later the bruising was so bad it was as if I threw her down a flight of stairs.

I am taking to long to get to the point... Augers and digging suck.

Swarm Swarm Swarm

I work in a cube city.

The other day my boss decided to order lunch for the entire department because a coworker was leaving the company.

The lunch was for just our department. So as soon as the food comes through the door and is set up there is a line. Now the line consists of ONE person from my department. The other 9 people were from other departments on the other side of the building.

Two people who seem to have a feminine ability to sense when free food enters the building came running. I will call them, the angry Russian and the swisher. These two are inseparable. They were in line before my department even knew the food was there.

I was helping set the food out when I hear: swish swish swish swish. The swish is the sound of this swisher thighs and calves rubbing together. I find it truly fascinating that someone can literally rub so much fabric when the walk that the they leave smoke and burning bits of pants in their wake. The friction created by the rubbing would make the Human Torch green with envy. This woman could lube up her legs on the outside of her pants and still would make more noise than a janitor with an out of control floor buffer.

And to the swisher's right... the angry Russian. Who is perpetually on a diet.

Don't give me any of that shit that you're on a diet and you have three plates of Chinese food and a snickers bar for dessert.

The VP of my department was extremely annoyed at the fact that only one person from our department was in line for food. Of course every team has there food rusher. I will call this food rusher: "DripSnatch, King of the Duchebags", I don't like him very much and I think the title fits and has a nice disgusting ring to it. Of course, I could call him" Duke Anal-Leakage" "Fuckwardo, Earl of CockSuckAh" "Bentardo, Lord of LickMonkeyTaint" you get the picture.

The crowd for food formed so quickly that if I didn't get in line i wouldn't even get a little. So I knocked a project manager out of the way, boxed out a technical account manager and dived into the food. Literally... people will not eat food if it has been rubbed on a naked, hairy, chubby blond hair mans body! Of course I didn't do that...

BUT EVERYONE... FOOD IS HERE....SWARM SWARM SWARM

Nightmares are bad horror movies without a plot.

Nightmares. I don't know why but I have been having more and more nightmares. I use to have one here or there over time. As of late I have at least a couple to several a week maybe more.

I am not talking "man that was a scary dream where I fell out of a plane without a parachute." No I am talking bloody, gory really weird things that when you wake up you say "that was f---ed up." and "what the hell is wrong with me."

The latest dream went as follows:

The night was late and dark. It was raining. A constant rain not drizzling, but a cold consist ant and drenching rain. I could see my breath create a translucent cloud in front of me. I was standing in an alley behind a building. To my right was a 10 tall chain link fence with flood lights aiming down on me casting an Erie glow on my surroundings. To my right a loading dock of some building with dumpsters to the right of the dock.
I was standing with a stranger to my left. It was no one I knew personally and I didn't recognize the face. He was about my height and slimmer than me. We were just standing there letting the rain fall on us. Looking down the alley way. At which time one person stepped out in front of us. Two others individuals appeared behind us and grabbed the stranger. The one in front of us brandishing a knife stepped up to the stranger and cut him open from groin to navel. The cut was deep and the stranger was dieing right there in front of me.

I was backing quickly away from the scene. That is when I was grabbed from behind. The stranger was half laying while the man with the knife was holding his torso up by the armpits. This is when it gets really sick. I was then watching the whole scene from outside my body. I was watching the men force me to my knees and force my face into the strangers wound.

I watched as they pulled my head back by my hair. My face was covered in a thick layer of blood that coated my entire face. I had my mouth open as if to scream but nothing was coming out. The rain was still falling, but was barely washing away the blood. As I watched what was happening to me I was walking backwards away from the horror scene as if I was a ghost.

That is when the man pulling my hair drew a knife and held it to my throat. I awoke feeling sad, my heart wasn't racing. I was just overwhelmingly sad.

So that brings up the discussion as to what it all means. Do I have some latent homo erotic fantasy of having my face shoved into a dead mans bloody groin? Freud would have a field day. "Mr. Carlson, you are hostile to your subconscious homosexual side!"

To be honest I think if Freud analysed anyone he would say that same thing. Patient: "Dr. Freud, I feel depressed. My dog died today and I can't get over it." Freud: "You are really depressed because you want to sleep with your mother." Patient: "Well, how do you explain away the fact that I beat my dog with a pound of ham and a water bottle." Freud: "That stems from your need to REALLY sleep with your mother."

I like to think that the sick sense of humor I have is bleeding through to my dreams. Or the fact that someone had mentioned redwings last week and I would find such an act horrible and scaring (look up redwings on http://www.urbandictionary.com/. Did you read the definition? Really? Did you? When you've stopped vomiting let me know) Well, now.... If you're a guy you understand where I am coming from and were I was going.

Last night I had another bad dream. I was swimming but I was to weak to swim. The person I was swimming with was watching me slip under the surface. When I finally grabbed onto a dock I started crying because everyone in the world vanished. Freud: "Mr. Carlson, this dream stems from the fact that you want to have your mother give you a golden shower." Thanks doc, Thanks.

I think Nightmares are just bad horror movies without a plot line. Brought on by stress and subconscious fears of silly stuff. Why can't my dreams be more erotic in nature...

Smile big and smile often,

Carlson

Starting off

Lets get things started simple. Why create a blog? I was bored and saw that my much younger brother started a blog. Although I am not nearly as cleaver as he, I am prone to run off at the mouth as much as he does.

My hope is to post something funny, friendly or the occasional gripe!

So lets get this party started... ok... not a party.. gathering... Ok.. fine. I will continue to just talk to myself.

Smile big and smile often.
Carlson