I got your auger right here

Since I have all the time in the world and an seemingly endless supply of energy, we decided to rebuild out deck. Wait, contain your excitement. I find it facinating that people droll on about their activities on the weekend. "Oh, I did sooo much this weekend. I washed my whites with a red sock and all was pink." It is those conversations I find myself having with my mother, but it is me who is carrying on about nothing. But I digress.

So this little tail begins where I decide that we're not going to dig the footings by hand. HELL NO, that would be hard work, BUT to rent an auger in my attempt to inflict as much discomfort on the situation as possible. Not just any auger. I am renting something akin to what they use on an oil rig in the ocean. While using the auger I expect a geyser of viscous black liquid to pour forth from the hole in the ground.

We only had to drill two holes, each 8 inches diameter and 42 inches deep. Simple enough. In my infinite wisdom I think a two man auger is the way to go.


Off I go to Home Depot to rent the tool that will help save time and energy. I arrive at nervana for home owners. I enter home depot and walk over to the sign that says Tool Rentals. So far so good, I found the bloody department. I walk up to the counter and state that I would like to rent a two man auger.

"One man or two man"

"Two".. which is what I said the first time oh master of listenting skills. The guy was nice so I didn't drop a heaping pile of sarcasm on him. That is something I normally reserve for family.

"Ok, what drill do you want to rent."

"I am looking to drill an hole for an 8 inch diameter, so the drill so be about 8 inches or bigger."

"Ok, we have 6,8 and 10 inch drills. 4 and 8 inch for the one person." This response confused me. I stared at him. My mind was locked up... I became a mindless zombie by a stupid question.


I just said I need an 8 inch diameter hole and he told me about 4 and 6 inch drills. What was I suppose to do with the smaller drills. Actually I would like the 6 inch drill because I would like to spend a freaking day drilling random holes in my yard. Then wen I am done, I will use the 4 inch 2 times to get my 8 inch diameter hole.
But maybe I just suffered a stroke and nothing but gutteral noises were being spewed out of my mouth so the man didn't understand what I was saying.

Standing there looking at him confused my mouth fell open and this time, nothing came out. This man was looking at the tools on the wall and just suggesting what he saw. I was expecting him to say: "Do you need a toilet snake? How bout a rug cleaner" Thank god my wife was there.

"We need 10 inch diameter drill." She said.

"Ok, Two man auger?" Again, what the hell have I been saying. Yes two I said.
"Um, Yeah."
"How much does it weigh?"
"The engine weighs 80 lbs. The drill about 50 and 10lbs for the drill extension."
For those playing at home that is 140 lbs... and I haven't even started drilling.

Ok, so the guy helps be bring the auger to the Jeep. We get everything situated in the back of the vehicle.

We get the vile contraption home. I decide I can lift everything awkwardly out of the back of the jeep.
I connect the drill, get the auger in an upright position... then fire her up! I look at my wife and ask if she is ready. She nods yes and I give it the gas. The drill went about 2 inches before getting stuck on a rock.


Now when the drill is spinning away and suddenly hits a rock interesting things happen. A two man auger allows the user to stand between the handles on both sides. The drill stops, but the engine begins to spin! People fly everywhere. Yes, there is a kill switch.... that means you actually let go of the handle and you are the person being thrown.

wawaawawa...wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, clink, thud.

The thud was my wife being thrown when the engine and the handles we were holding started to rotate fast horizontally. We put the drill down... removed the rock. Started the engine again and ....

Wawawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... CLINK, thud, "shit!"
and so the day went....

The amount of brusing my poor wife suffered was amazing. Later the bruising was so bad it was as if I threw her down a flight of stairs.

I am taking to long to get to the point... Augers and digging suck.